I Guess It's Just You and Me
by Queen of Curses
Summary: (COMPLETED&EDITED) Irvine Kinneas, the player, is out looking for a bed partner early in the morning. It basically shows how desperate our lovable cowboy can be.


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I Guess It's Just You and Me

By Queen of Curses

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Disclaimer: I do not own FFVIII or any of its characters. *sigh*

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It was 8:00 AM in Balamb Garden when Irvine Kinneas woke up. Sleepily, he changed out of PJs into a pair of regular blue jeans and a white button up top, leaving the first four buttons undone. He also tied his hair back into a tight ponytail, as he usually did. Then, he slowly put on a pair of light brown boots, and adding his cowboy hat to complete his outfit. Soon, he made his way out of his room, and headed straight for the cafeteria.

'Man, am I hungry!' He thought to himself along the way.

When he got to the cafeteria, he stomach grumbled. Interpreting the message, Irvine got himself two slices of buttered toast and orange juice. As he ate as slowly as a human being can be, *innocent* thoughts pooped into his head.

'I really need ta get laid. It's already been 11 hours since the last time I fucked!'

'Hmm . . . I'll go ask some people.'

'But, it's not like I can just go up ta them and say: 'Howdy! Wanna sleep with me t'night?' Nope, that would just be *wrong*.' 

'Or is it? I guess it won't hurt to try . . .'

'But I first hafta finish this dee-licious piece of toast.'

So after Irvine ate his 'dee-licious' breakfast, he started going around, asking people to sleep with him that night. He saw Rinoa at one of the tables, doing . . . something.

"Hey, Rin! How ya doin'?" Irvine casually asked his friend.

"I'm all right. I'm just working on my new hobby." She said, pointing to the small white binder in front of her. Irvine opened up the binder and saw that every page was filled up with a sort of collage, but the pictures in the collage were all of Squall.

'Whoa, that girl's got some obsession goin' on here. But, hey, that don't mean she's not good in bed. Who knows?' Irvine thought.

"What do you think?" Rinoa asked, smiling.

"Umm . . . it's mighty fine, but I think you should add some pictures that show his . . . er . . . side that he doesn't show too often." He replied, obviously faking his attempt to help her.

"I guess your right!" Rinoa answered, going back to work on cutting and pasting little pictures of Squall together.

"Rinoa, there's something I wanna ask ya." Irvine said as collected as he could, as he watched Rinoa cutting out a picture of Squall in a pink tutu.

"Shoot." She replied, not taking her eyes off her work.

'I'll be glad to.' Irvine thought, his thoughts wandering to the many guns he had stored in his room's spare closets.

"D'ya mind sleeping with me tonight?" He said, rather hurriedly.

"Sorry, I'm busy. I have another 50,000 pictures to cut and paste." Rinoa replied, still not taking her eyes off her 'hobby'.

Irvine then sighed, a bit from feeling relieved, and a bit from feeling let down. He was relieved because he didn't want to sleep with a Squall-crazed lunatic. But still feeling let down because he *seriously* needed to get laid tonight.

After getting rejected by a few more girls, he came across Selphie and Quistis. Selphie, being her usual imaginative self, was creating a dress for her friend. And Quistis, was . . . Quistis. And she was just standing, while Selphie took measurements and wrote something in a little blue notebook once in a while.

"Hey, Irvine." Both said in unison. Both young women had gotten closer after the sorceress wars. Too close. So close, one cannot help but feel suspicious. 

"Hi, ladies. What's goin' on?" Irvine asked, using his usual opening lines in a conversation with women.

"I'm making Quisty, here, a bridal gown!" Selphie said in her hyperactive voice that everyone was so used to now. Quistis, just stayed silent, but her cheeks colored.

"Oh, so you're gettin' married? With who?" Irvine asked, directing the question to the blonde, and raising a questioning eyebrow. Quistis just blushed even more.

"I don't think Quisty wants anyone to know, so please don't ask." Selphie said, becoming serious. 

"Sure thing. So . . . . any one of you ladies wanna share a bed with me t'night?" He said, ignoring Selphie's sudden change of mood.

"I can't, I'm engaged." Quistis said, still blushing, and pointing to her pink and white and yellow bridal gown.

"How 'bout you, Selphie?" Irvine asked the other woman.

"I'm engaged, too." She answered.

'Geez, is the whole world engaged or something?' He thought to himself.

"Really? Both of you? To who?" Irvine inquired, suddenly becoming curious and suspicious.

"Her." Both said, Selphie pointing to Quistis, and Quistis pointing to Selphie.

"Umm . . . never mind, then." Irvine mumbled. He then turned and walked away.

'I knew it! I knew those two were an item! Why couldn't I see it before?'

'Now that I think of it, those two *do* make a good couple. Selphie's active behavior would help boost Quistis's confidence and social skills. And good old Quistis could help Selphie in keeping her hyperactive ways in control with yoga . . . or . . . meditating . . . or . . . something . . . '

After a many number of rejections from women, he finally stopped.

'Damn, there aren't any women left to ask. Well, then. That means I have to move on to men.'

'Yes, the famous Irvine Kinneas, the ladies' man, is bisexual.' He thought to himself, grinning. 'More of a chance of getting a date on Friday nights out at the clubs.'

After a few guys rejected him, he came across his good old friend, Zell.

"What up, man?" Zell cheerfully greeted.

"Umm . . . the ceiling . . ." Irvine said, creeped out by his friend's extremely good mood, causing him to answer the question very dumbly.

"Not, what I meant . . . but, I need to tell you something!" Zell exclaimed. "I finally got my first hotdog after 1 entire year since I got my last one!"

"Er . . . congratulations, Zell." Irvine said, feeling awkward to be talking about hotdogs. He still hadn't gotten used to Zell's fetish for them.

"Thanks, man." Zell said, picking up the untouched hotdog and slowly raising it to his mouth.

"So, Zell, wanna sleep with me t'night?" Irvine asked as casually as he could. 

Right at that very moment, Zell's hotdog slipped out of his hands, into the air.

"NNNNNNOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!" Zell yelled (in slow-mo), trying to grab it back (in slow-mo), but ended up tripping on something and falling to the floor (in regular-mo), with the hotdog falling on his head a moment later (in regular-mo).

"Darn it." The blonde cursed. 

"So . . . Zell . . . wanna sleep with me? T'night?" Irvine repeated.

"YOU'RE GAY ! ! !" Zell yelled in disbelief. "THANK HYNE ! ! ! I'M NOT ALONE ! ! !"

"Actually, I'm bi." Irvine simply answered.

"Oh." Zell said, feeling put down. "To answer your question, I cannot sleep with you tonight. I've already made plans with Squall."

Irvine gasped loudly. "Squall?!" And he growled. "Stupid guy . . . always cheating on his significant others . . ."

"Isn't that what you do, Irvy?" Zell asked, emphasizing on his friend's nickname.

"Oh, shuddup, ya idiot." And Irvine left Zell alone with his messed up hotdog, feeling a bit jealous, and a bit angry, but mostly horny.

After got rejected by even MORE guys, he found Squall and Seifer making out in a dark, secluded corner. And once again, Irvine gasped loudly.

"Squall?! How could you?! After those 11 hours ago?! You told me I was the only one!" Irvine asked, feeling outraged. Squalled looked up from where he was sitting to meet Irvine's eyes.

"Whatever. If you could be a player, then I can, too." Squall simply stated, and went back to making out with Seifer.

"So . . . does that mean you can't sleep with me t'night since you're gonna be with Zell?" Irvine asked, exaggerating on the active blonde's name. At this, Seifer gasped.

"How could you, Squall?!" Seifer roared. Then, both gunbladers pulled out their . . . gunblades and began fighting in a heated battle. 

All the while, Irvine just stood still while they fought hard.

"So, Squall, you won't be able to sleep with me t'night?" Irvine repeated.

"Sorry, but I this battle is gonna take a while. Besides, I'm with Zell tonight." Squall replied.

"So, Seifer, what are *you* doing tonight?" Irvine asked the other gunblader.

"Sleeping . . . alone . . . in . . . my . . . empty . . . bed . . ." Seifer responded, attempting to talk and fight at the same time.

"But wouldn't you want that empty bed to be filled?" The brunette asked, feeling hopeful.

"Yeah, that's why I hired some male prostitutes to come over." Seifer simply stated.

Irvine let out a huge sigh, and walked away. Then, he asked the rest of the men in the cafeteria to sleep with him. All of them rejected him.

'Okay, so I got 56 people who said "No.".' he thought to himself.

'65 who said "Hell no!".'

'22 who said "YOU'RE GAY, TOO !".'

'32 who said they were straight.'

'12 who said they were lesbian.'

'47 who said they were busy.'

'9 slaps across the face.'

'And 1 kick in the crotch.'

'What is wrong with these people? I'm a sex god! How could they reject me?'

After some hard decision-making and thinking, Irvine Kinneas finally decided on what his reaction would be to all the people who rejected his offer to sleep with them.

Irvine looked at his right hand long and hard before he spoke.

"I guess it's just you and me, Mr. Hand."


End file.
